For Dad
Sunday, September 25, 2011 at 6:39PM
I am very much like my father. When I was young, I was certainly a "daddy's girl" -- perhaps even at that young age he saw himself in me and I, in him. As I grew, I took on more and more of his temperament - logical, strong, independent.
I remember telling my husband during one of our deep talks that I knew someday my parents, his parents, relatives, possibly even friends would die while we lived on. But I knew, I told him then, that my father's death would be the hardest.
I know my husband remembered this conversation as he took the call from my mom during the mid-afternoon hours on May 23, 2006.
I remember exactly what he said to me. I remember exactly what I was doing and what I did. I remember screaming, repeating no, no, no, no, no, please god no for an hour and a half as my husband drove me and our 1 year old son to my parent's house. But it wasn't until several days later, heavy in the fog of despair that I had predicted years earlier, that I allowed myself to realize what had happened:
My dad had taken his own life.
There isn't anything I can tell you at this point to sum up the next five years. My entire understanding of what "life" is changed with that one phone call. The figure that embodied security, safety, logic and love was no longer. And it was because of his choice. Nothing made sense, and I was left without a mental ground to stand on.
I have since tapped into a peace in my own life, but there are still floods of pain pulsing on doors to memories that I choose not to dwell upon. One thought, one word sends me spiraling back quite vividly to the minutes of that late afternoon in May.
Nothing can be done about what is passed. But my dad was not alone in his suffering. Hundreds, thousands, perhaps millions of people are cloaked in pain right now.
Some share it openly. Others, like my father, go about their daily business in emotional silence. In increasing numbers, a few decide they can no longer bear the intense suffering and make a decision to allow others to bear it for them.
I have no judgment of my father - just a deep, burning need to alleviate others from the kind of suffering he was experiencing. So much of LifeUnity, of what I share on a daily basis, is rooted in that need to awaken people to the potential of Vibrancy in life, of hope, light, inner peace. So much is done in the hopes that each person takes responsibility for finding it within themselves.
This year, I will be joining my sister, Kristen, in a walk for the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention (AFSP). The walk, Out of the Darkness, will take place on October 15, 2011 here in Bloomington. I am quite proud of my sister, who has already created a page to raise funds. She has set a goal of $500 ...over $300 of which has generously already been met.
I want to help her exceed that amount. Not just exceed, but DOUBLE it.
In order to do so,
I will be raffling off a painting I created specifically for this event.
THE PAINTING
Faith and Love
11X14 on wrapped canvas
acrylic
In the midst of the inevitable pain of life - the sorrows of loss, the stresses of "not enough", the seemingly unbearable realization of death - grows love and faith. Trite as it may seem, these two delicate forces are unstoppable.
It takes only a small seed of love - offered in the corners of a smile, a heartfelt thank you, a hug, an acknowledgement - and a small seed of faith - that life is more than this pain - to provide light in the darkness of suffering.
This painting was created while reflecting on my own light and darkness. It was completed to remind the viewer not only of that hope and warmth that is present amidst pain, but also of the beauty of the darkness. We plant the seeds of both light and dark in ourselves and others and journey through life in order to experience what grows...what Is.
Faith and Love is a textured painting, painted around the edges on the canvas, and will come ready to hang.
HOW TO ENTER
Everyone who makes a donation - no matter what amount - will be entered to win.
Simply go HERE ( http://afsp.donordrive.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=donorDrive.participant&eventID=1327&participantID=231578 ) to make a donation.
*UPDATE: We have created a team page: Stephen's Survivors. The link above will now take you to my personal page. Previous donations appear on my sister's page here ; future donations will appear on my page. ALL donations will go towards the team's goal of $1000.
Click on the "support me" button in the upper right corner.
Once you have made a donation, you can either leave a comment on this post or email me at lifeunity@gmail.com and let me know you have done so. I will keep track of everyone and draw a name on October 16th. I will notify the winner via email, so be sure to leave contact information with me.
Entries are on the honor system. If you can't make a donation that is perfectly fine (prayers and love work just as well). In an effort to raise funds, though, the raffle is only open to those who have donated to AFSP.
I'm not doing this to increase followers or traffic, so there will be no "extra entries" for following or the like. I would, however, greatly appreciate FB mentions or Tweets about this because this is all about raising funds and awareness for AFSP. Someday, hopefully, there will be no need for a suicide prevention foundation in America or anywhere else. Until that time, I want to keep awareness alive.
A THANKS
I want to thank you. Even if you don't or can't donate, even if this passes from your mind after you close the web browser, I want to thank you. Thank you for taking the time to read through this, for allowing me a minute to share my story...my family's story. My father's story.
Thank you to those who send love, light, heartfelt wishes for healing. Thank you not only for me and my family, but for those who right now are feeling pain. Your love, on some level, reaches them as well.
Thank you especially to those of you who are able and who take the time to donate. I believe that awareness through education and support through acknowledgement just as the AFSP does is crucial to heal a darkness that is often overlooked.
THE VIDEO
Nearly a year after my dad's decision, I made a video in acknowledgement of my process. It was made primarily for myself. I also knew I wanted to share with family - video footage of my father that they had never seen, emotions and thoughts that I had that I couldn't share in any other way.
I never intended to make this video public.
After watching it repeatedly, hearing the stories of others who have lost someone to suicide, and knowing that this pain, these emotions, these thoughts are not just my own, I have decided to share it.
I do so to bring awareness: To those who have not been directly affected by suicide to let them know of a "survivor's" viewpoint and to those who have been affected to let you know you are not alone.
I didn't want it showing up randomly in Vimeo's search engines, so I did password protect it. To view it, you will need to enter the password: "awareness" (all lowercase letters).
Password: awareness
To sum up:
To donate, go HERE and click on the "Support Me" button.
To enter to win the painting, leave a comment below letting me know you donated (including your email) or email me at lifeunity@gmail.com.
To you, ......
thank you.
In memory.
Namaste.
Reader Comments (18)
I am sending light and love in huge beams to your wounded places and to that beautiful heart of yours, Brave, Brave Lisa. I am feeling such gratitude for knowing your story, and for knowing how you have chosen to shine light and love on the dakrness in such an amazing way. "Be the change you want to see in the world." Shine on, Beautiful Being.
it was just a random accident (and no, i don't really believe in those)...i saw your tweet, came over, and was glued here. the painting is gorgeous and so incredibly meaningful. i watched the vid. it hit a lot inside me. i lost my 18 year old niece to suicide...who's birthday is the same day that you lost your dad. i am so sorry. he looked like an absolutely wonderful man. thanks for this post and for sharing your video. it totally touched things inside me that needed touching. i did donate. it doesn't look like much, but i want you to know it is for me right now. i have sworn off all extras right now as my finances are getting scary tight. and yet...i had to give.......i just had to. wish it was more......
I never really got to know him. I really wanted to though. His love of music is what intrigued me and I share that same love. I figured it would have been something we would have bonded on. He wasn't my Father but that day is still painful for me as well. I'm not good with words so forgive me if i say something that seems wrong. I only have love for this family even if it seems i dont. im shy and have my own pains that plague me as well. Thanks for doing this Lisa. I know Kristen appreciates it as well.
I cried through this whole post, Lisa. Big hugs to you, my dear friend. I can only imagine how hard this post was for you to write...and how brave it was, too. Thank you for sharing something so deeply personal. And I admire how you created something so beautiful from such pain. This post affected me on many levels - some of which I can share with you personally. As soon as I can, I will make a donation. Thank you for your loving and brave heart, Lisa. xoxo
Oh Lisa....thank you and your sister so much for this post and your efforts to raise awareness of this very important cause. I've left a small donation and only wish I could give enough to somehow make this all go away. I know this was a difficult post to write - I truly sense your pain - but I believe it will be helpful for many. Your painting is beautiful and I would be honored to hang it in my home or studio, telling everyone about the meaning behind it.
you are amazing, lisa. thank you for this does not suffice. i've had tears through the post and video, starting at the declaration "my dad had taken his own life". there is no loss quite like the loss of a loved one by their own will.... my aunt took her life just a little over a year ago. and, as you said, it changes... everything. life goes on. but everything is different inside of us. and, for me, i've had to begin to make true shifts inside of myself - a commitment to awareness and honesty in every facet of living. it seems the only way to make sense of it all. the day you will be walking - i will be at a womens conference on a lake in the mountains with hundreds of like-minded women focusing on healing and empowerment - it's exactly where i was last year when i found out Kelly had been positively identified. please know that i will carry you and your family's story in my heart to this place and offer a silent prayer in the mountains for your family, your efforts, your struggles, and your healing - and for all families and peoples who have experienced any facet of the pain that leads to and results from suicide. much much love to you and yours.
My heart just broke into a zillion pieces, Lisa. Your honesty, your courage, your LOVE, your service to all of us, to the world- you inspire me and move me so much, and this just shifted my life. Thank you, thank you, thank you. I wish I had the right words, but I don't. I just send you all my love.
I've struggled throughout the day with what kind of comment to leave here. Words seem insufficient when what I'd really like to do is give you a hug. And yet I don't feel like I can walk away without leaving at least a small mark to say "I was here. I see you. I honour you."
I cry when I think that your post could have been written by my daughters, had their father been as "successful" as yours. I cry when I think of the post that I myself would have written had that horrible event become my own story of loss.
May you be blessed today, for having the courage to step forward and live a life of beauty emerging out of your pain.
thank you for sharing. i donated. i hope you exceed your goal. light & love, ash
Your story is so touching and heartbreaking I just happen upon this tonight and I had to send a donation. I hope you reach your goal. Thank you for having the courage to share you story and to help others who need it.
Lisa, what a beautiful tribute to your father and a powerful video to raise awareness about suicide. My husband's uncle took his life about 12 years ago and it was as jarring as you describe. Then a few years ago a friend from elementary school took his life, a 39 year old successful lawyer with a wife and two kids. A few other childhood friends have taken their lives over the years ... and the young son of a family friend. Indeed, my life has been touched by suicide.
My heart goes out to you and your family for your loss. There is so much suffering in the world and it seems we each take it on in our own way. I no longer ask why ... instead I hope that we can normalize the feelings of loss, confusion and disconnection that are normal parts of life's most painful transition points so that people feel less alone. Thanks for sharing your story and for bringing awareness to such an important issue.
Sitting here, wondering what on earth I can say to someone who I have known so briefly yet has touched my life so deeply without my ever knowing the pain you have lived through. Brave to share this most personal torment. Brave to continue to celebrate the beauty of life as you do. Brave to inspire others to see life as precious, question its mysteries and meanings, embrace all the pain and joy it delivers, hold each moment as a separate phenomenon and behold each tiny element as pure wonder.
Lisa, as I read your words and viewed your video I felt such searing pain for you and your family - my mind cannot accommodate the enormity of it all. Selfishly, it brought my own pain to the surface, that of losing my own father suddenly in my presence and the agonising loss of my beautiful little daughter and, though not in the same circumstances, I experienced a brief moment where I though I could empathise and grasp your anguish and hold it. But then that moment was gone and I am left inadequate because your pain is so personal, only you can feel its full force. I can only stand quiet and think of you and bless you for your bravery and for having the strength to live your life to the full - for yourself, your children and family and for all those who you reach out to through your teaching, art and blog. May you continue your journey to ultimate peace in this beautiful but bittersweet world of ours.
thank you for your incredible video and your willingness to share you story.
I have no words... only my heart sending blessings to you. I made a donation and I am so grateful for your courage in sharing this story...
I have been reduced to tears. I understand this on a very personal level. Thank you for your bravery in sharing your heart. You have SUCH a beautiful heart, Lisa. I am wrapping you, your sister and your family in the warmest, deepest hug imaginable always. I will be making a donation and only wish I could do even more to help end the pain of so many. I love you...your painting speaks volumes. Everyone should see it.
This was incredibly moving to me, Lisa. I see I am not alone in this feeling. The subject of suicide is one I also understand on a very intimate, personal level. It has also been my goal to orient others around this tragedy. I have made a few works of art that aim to make the audience more aware of suicide, but they all pale in comparison to your poignant and heartfelt blog and video. Tears flowed down my cheeks as you so beautifully communicated your loss, and all the complicated feelings surrounding it to us. Thank you for your courage and for sharing your heart in such creative, meaningful and beautifully artistic ways, as always! You are a light of LOVE in this world, sweet sister! I offer you my heartfelt gratitude from a place very deep within me, and my love....BUG HUGS!!! ~Katarina~ (I made a donation)
I just got my donation in .... I'm always coming down to the wire with things..LOL someday I will be wildly early for everything - not! LOL...love you so much. Thank you again for just being you.
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